I haven't written in quite a while. In fact, I've actively avoided writing because it's been difficult for me to separate my writing from my business. Each time I’ve sat down to write it’s been a bit of a grieving process. Trying to do something I love (writing), has been extremely painful.
I made the difficult decision to shift away from running a small business to working a “real” job in the summer of 2019. With a lot of time spent job hunting, it took until November 2019 to line up a full-time job.
Shutting down my business was one of the most difficult and painful times in my life. Creating my business and publishing my first book was a passion and a dream of mine. I had recklessly pursued an idea with the hope of creating a better life for myself and for my husband. With this vision, I thought that if I worked hard enough that I could be successful. I totally believed all the “babe boss” bullshit out there- that if you work hard enough, you’ll make it.
In terms of putting in the effort- I had that part nailed. I have never worked harder at anything in my life. I was doing all the “right things.” I was taking business classes, pivoting my business as needed. I was using current marketing strategies, networking, and publishing content. On paper I was doing all the right things. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back, the timing of my business was completely wrong. It just wasn't the right time to do what I was trying to achieve in my business. And so ultimately, it wasn't successful.
Through all my effort, I developed an unhealthy attachment between writing and what I thought being successful was. And because I wasn't financially successful, writing became very painful. It became tied to feeling like a failure. It also became challenging to separate writing with the actual business. I associated writing with producing content, doing social media posts, or hustling. Writing was no longer a fun.
I recently started consolidating some of the things I’ve saved from childhood. I had three boxes of stuff that I wanted to condense down into one box. I decided to scan all the content that was on paper. As I was going through each grade, I looked at the pictures I had drawn and any assignments or fun crafts I had kept. I started to notice that from a very early age, I had done a lot of writing.
By no means do I have all the things that I had written over the years, but I noticed from as early as grade two, I was writing. I had tons of poems and some short stories. My teachers were writing on my report cards how good of a writer I was, and how creative I was at a very young age.
In my teen years, I wanted to write a book. Originally, I thought I was going to write a book about my jaw surgery and the story of my jaw pain. I thought it would be super cool to be on Oprah's book club. As a young woman who idolized and grew up with the Oprah show, I thought “one day I'm going to be an author in her book club.” I don't think it was ever about fame or about producing something for the world to see. It was more about the success of producing something simply because I wanted to.
For me writing was something that brought pure joy. It was innocent. It was raw and unedited. And I wrote because I really liked to write. I got to be creative. I got to be silly. I got to explore different things with no expectations tied to it.
Going through all those boxes and reading my funny stories and comments brought back those feelings. I could still feel the same joy that I felt when I wrote those stories. I felt how proud I was for being creative- just for the sake of being creative. While they were not the most advanced plots or storylines, or followed proper grammar, but they were fun to write. I didn't care if they weren’t perfect. It wasn't about its production value. It was just an outlet for me. And it made me realize how much I've changed in terms of my writing. Somewhere along the way I lost that simple joy and the innocence of writing just because it was fun.
I’ve been caught up in academic worlds throughout two university degrees. In a combined seven years of education, I’ve had to write differently. I’ve written for my business and unintentionally tied my worth to the success of my writing. I'm no longer capturing the story behind my writing topic. I'm writing about facts. And information. And trying to sound like I know everything. I'm trying to be put together. To be smart. And to be perfect.
I lost the innocent, creative desire of writing. I stopped sharing what catches my attention, or how I see things differently. Or something that makes me laugh. I’ve stopped writing the fun, creative ideas that frequently pop into my head.
So, in a roundabout way, I've realized that I've been writing for the wrong reasons. I've been chasing the idea of writing, to become famous. Or writing to accomplish a goal. Writing to produce a course. Writing to receive an award. Writing to get recognized. I’ve put all this pressure on myself.
Instead of just writing.
I thought that I had let go of my business. Of the pressures I had attached to writing. But I didn’t. Everything I’ve written in the past few years has been attached to that same pressure.
Recently, I read the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about taking a break from writing. After reading that a successful, well known, and PAID author STOPPED writing, it became ok for me to stop as well.
I never understood the phrase “If you love it, let it go.” For me, writing used to be a love. Then, it became stressful and difficult. I needed a break from it. I thought I could never get joy from writing again. I had to let it go.
And as I let go of my own expectations, and pressure, I've realized that I need to go back to writing for fun. To write with no expectations because it does bring me joy. And because I love sharing stories with others.
Going forward, my goal is to write from my heart. From a place of love. From a place of creativity. From a place of fun and innocence, like I did when I was young. I’m hoping to write with no expectations of what it does for me, where it takes me, or how many people read it.
I've talked about writing again. It’s finally time to do it, and to reclaim something that has been missing from my life. It’s time to be playful. To share stories. To share the joy that I get out of writing.
This post is my first step at writing from my heart. Hopefully, it’s not the last :)
Congratulations on reclaiming your love of writing… life is a journey….